“This wasn’t some newborn infant, you know? This was a baby who could probably sit up independently. I was scared, but I acted quickly.”
Read more: https://www.theonion.com/idf-soldier-recounts-harrowing-heroic-war-story-of-kil-1826048745
“Love Gov is the story of an independent, fun-loving, young woman, Alexis, and her boyfriend, Scott ‘Gov’ Govinski, who is always there to help. Always. In this episode: Alexis thinks she’s being spied on, but ‘Gov’ believes if she has done nothing wrong, she must have nothing to hide. How far will ‘Gov’ go?”
“There’s nothing secret about the Trans-Pacific Partnership. It won’t kill jobs, undermine environmental regulations, or censor the Internet. Click the button below to read the entire agreement for yourself.”
“Expressing frustration over Congress’ decision to let the provisions allowing the bulk collection of phone data expire, annoyed National Security Agency officials reported Monday that the organization would now be forced to rely exclusively on mass surveillance programs that have yet to come to light. ‘Unfortunately, lawmakers chose to limit our intelligence-gathering capabilities by discontinuing key sections of the Patriot Act, and now we have no choice but to depend on a number of other civilian-monitoring initiatives that continue to remain hidden from the public,’ said NSA director Michael Rogers.”
http://www.theonion.com/article/frustrated-nsa-now-forced-rely-mass-surveillance-p-50550
“Meet Hanna. Hanna wasn’t always hungry – but then Old Spice released its Red Zone Aqua Reef Sweat Defense Solid. Now she’s starving.”
“After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help ‘train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,’ the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form: ‘Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions.'”
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/moderate-syrian-rebel-application-form
“President Obama needs your help starting World War III! Find out how you can help!”
Q
“The moment that a notoriously pro-surveillance member of Congress spent nearly an hour excoriating the CIA for breaking into Senate computers, a Daily Show sketch became inevitable. Jon Stewart doesn’t disappoint. The best reason to watch it, though, is that it’s actually a fantastic rundown of the whole story, from Bush-era torture practices to the CIA ‘assassinating data’ and then blaming IT administrators. If you’re looking to chew through Feinstein’s long, dense presentation, it’s the best appetizer you could possibly get.”
“The Kronies are in action…Mandating, Tarrify-ing, Inflating, and Boondoggling their way to profits powered by their special konnection to the G-Force. Watch Big-G and his team stomp out competition!”